“No children and not married yet?!” she exclaimed. Apprising me as if she was looking for some hidden flaw. “What’s the holdup!” I was on a plane. The old lady had me in her crosshairs and there was no escape.

“No holdup, I only hope to marry once and do it right the first time.” I responded. I put a slight edge in my voice that I hoped would at least make her pause and perhaps consider that she might be going into territory that she did not want to go.. Good luck on that one!!

“Ohhh, that I can understand.” She responded nodding sagely. “You are waiting for that right one. With divorce being as common as it is that is a good idea.” I nodded hoping that the topic was covered and that we could move on. Yeah right!

“But you don’t want to wait too long. You’re not getting any younger and what about raising your children?” She asked smiling sweetly. She was bulldog. All bulldog.

“I do not want any children quite frankly.” I responded. Resigned to the inevitable philosophical debate. “I like my lifestyle the way it is.”

“How can you be so selfish!!” she exclaimed. “You do not strike me as the selfish type.” I should have been shocked by that statement but I had heard it so many times that it no longer angered me like it used to. “Who will take care of you when you get old?” she added.

“Hopefully I will take care of myself.” I responded. “And why is it that a person who chooses not to have children has to be automatically labeled selfish?" I put more of an edge in my voice. I wanted her to know that she was in the danger zone.

“I have never heard of a good reason to not have children.” She added. Digging in. “Would that your mother had been so selfish.”

“So how is it selfish?” I asked again.

“Everyone should have children. Don’t you want your line to carry on?” Still no straight answer. I was waiting for a logical response.

In deference to her age I let it drop. But I was seething inside because her attitude and beliefs are not atypical of just her generation.

I had started to respond by saying that I had had some horrible disfiguring accident that ruined me forever as a man. It was hidden by my clothes. Did she want to see? Anything to make her feel some of the discomfiture that I and so many of my over thirty friends who have chosen to remain childless and unmarried have to deal with over and over again from thoughtless people.

Selfish? I think selfish is having two or three children because it is what you are “supposed to do” and then letting them be raised by Barney Videos. Anything that will keep them quiet so you can do what you want to do. I think there is more to raising children than people realize and I think jumping into that without giving it the proper amount of thought is selfish. Could it be that the people who have the courage to buck tradition have given it more thought because they know that it is a position that they will have to defend?

Never heard of a good reason to not want children? Go talk to a Children’s Services Counselor. A certain level of self-knowledge needs to be developed before someone should be allowed to try to develop another individual. Or how about something as simple as this? I wanted to go to Germany. I simply booked the flight jumped on the plane and went. No questions asked, no complications. A simple lifestyle choice.

But believe it or not, it is not the flat ignorance that annoys me as much as it is that I actually HAVE to defend my lifestyle choice. Do I ask people why they DO want children? Especially those who are single and may not even have the financial wherewithal to adequately raise them? Do I ask the people who listened to their “biological clock” or succumbed to the societal pressures to get married and just went out there and found someone just to be married. I know many people who are now living a dreary listless “married life” together with someone who has never produced even a slight spark in them? Not my bag baby, but I respect their choices.

If you are one of those people who does ask people those questions, think a minute. What if they can’t have children? Dredging up that kind of pain for a person does not demonstrate good social skills. You may be trying to make conversation but are your own lifestyle value judgements inherent in such questions? For those of you who have to field those questions, next time tell them that you were prophesized to be the progeny of the future antichrist and so you have made the sacrifice of not having children for all of humanity and watch their faces. You just plain don’t have to take it anymore. And learn to laugh. I have.